We, the people of Gaza, were threatened again and again. We were threatened with “cleaning”, with mass death, with “all hell explodes” to us.

The thing is, we have already passed through hell. I, like two other million Palestinians in Gaza, survived the hell of genocide from October 7, 2023 to January 19, 2025.

If I had to be honest, I did not hinder by adhering to life. No, I survived the drop of “F” in life and adhering to “lying”.

The more I lied to myself, the more I keep my fragile existence.

I still remember the first lie that I told myself. It has been a long time before genocide.

I remember that I told myself after the 2008-2009 Israeli aggression against Gaza that I will never witness anything like this war again. It was a little naive lie. I watched the war again in 2012, again in 2014, again in 2021, and again in May 2023.

On the evening of October 7, 2023, I embraced my mother when she exploded in crying while the Israeli fighter randomly bombed both Gaza.

I chose to tell her and myself the truth: that this will be the last episode of our miserable life. I felt that we would die in one way or another while it should have been followed up. I felt the same way. For this reason she was crying.

But how can there be one in complete acceptance of the imminent death? Humans, by their nature, want to live. So I started lying to myself again.

Soon after, when Israel bombed the Baptist hospital on October 17, killing hundreds of people, it lied. I told myself that the world will rise to Gaza and the sun will not shine on the Israeli combat aircraft in the bombing of Gaza again. It was a short -term lie. The Israeli bombing is intensified only, as it reached the genocide rates.

When Israel was forcibly displaced in December of that year, I told myself that it would be just two days and I will return. When I returned in May 2024, I told myself that it would not be displaced again.

When I went home after the seventh forced displacement in September 2024, Israel had sharply restricting Israel in Gaza, and I told myself that the world would not allow them to hunger. But she did. For weeks, my family and I survived bread, disabilities, and some cans of tuna that we saved from our time displaced in the Malassi.

But the worst lie I said to myself when I entered the first stage of the ceasefire. “This is,” I said to myself. “The military version of the genocide has ended, because what could Israel do this already?

But deep down I knew that I was lying to myself.

I knew, like many people in Gaza, that it was from the date and how Israel would resume genocide.

It was not long before we got a sign that it is coming. Soon after the beginning of Ramadan, Israel stopped entering all aid, which led to another famine. Two weeks later, instead of calling for suhoor, we woke up to the massive bombing sound.

More than 400 people were slaughtered, including at least 100 children, within hours.

So, now is the issue of when to be answered, but how it remains -. How many children will kill Israel to realize the so -called “total” victory? How long will it take this time to “finish the mission”? How much terror and misery should we bear? How will you end this time?

Despite living within 15 months of the genocide war of Israel, I have no answer to these questions, because Israel is surprising to me the amount of evil it faces in the store. I mean, is this? The last stage of genocide? Resuming the attack while preventing all aid, cutting water and electricity? I am afraid that Israel is still going beyond that.

The Israeli government says that this round of attacks will continue until it regains its prisoner. If this is the case, what was the ceasefire? A comfort for the killers of all killing?

Meanwhile, the world again issues empty convictions and does not take any action. We failed several times that I stopped counting. The least that he can do is not to take our pain and misery for it, as if we were born in it, as if we were the ones who were blessed to suffer all the time.

I grew up in wars and survived 15 months of genocide, yet I was surprised that I did not developed immunity to fear, given a great deal of the torment that I went through. I am still afraid of what will come.

While I face death again, I want to be honest for myself. I want to say that I deserve a much better life than Israel that I have imposed on me. I deserve a boring life, not calm, safe, free of bombs, hunger and unimaginable loss.

I don’t want to lie anymore, I want to live.

The opinions expressed in this article are the author of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of the editorial island.